Stop Buying That Shit!

It takes less than 10 minutes to make a version of apple cinnamon oatmeal from scratch.  It tastes better, it's better for you and it sure as shit looks a lot better than that sad little brown packet of instant oats and dried up apple bits.  I mean really...does this guy look like he ever had an INSTANT version of anything in mind when he started his empire?  I highly doubt it.  His hair alone obviously takes hours.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Cinnamon Apple Pecan Oatmeal
makes 2 servings
total time 10 min

3/4 c milk (rice, soy, cow, almond whatever)
1/4 c quick cook STEEL CUT oats - not the rolled kind you're used to.
-----------------------
1/2 T butter (or coconut oil for the vegans)

1 apple cut into 1/2" cubes

1/2 t cinnamon

1 t maple syrup 

1 handful chopped pecans

Bring the milk to a simmer and add oats.  Cover and stir occasionally 8-9 min.

While the oats are cooking, heat the butter in a small skillet.  Add apples, cinnamon and syrup.  Let the mixture simmer until the oats are done.  Add the pecans just before serving so they don't burn.   You are amazing.

And We're Back

Today's Recipe:

Stupid Easy Weight Gain and Blog Sabotage Casserole

total time 2 months
serves nobody

Ingredients:

1 dad
2 tumors
65 lbs of terrible hospice literature
several servings of food from Florida chain restaurants
97 bottles of wine
2 bottles of gin
1 bottle of Advil 

Combine all ingredients and let fester until you feel awful.  Then travel around for several weeks avoiding all work and emails and blogging and shaving of armpits.

Boom, done.


Guess what...my dad died.  I've been out of town for what seems like years, living off different variations of shitty cheese food product and white flour.  I've gained weight.  I've cried a lot.  I feel grody and sad.

But today I'm home in my own kitchen with my own farmers' market and a desire to get back on track.  Buckle up, baby.

Tomorrow we cook.

It's Radicchulously Good

Yuk yuk yuk.  That was a terrible pun.  Please accept the following recipe with my sincerest apologies.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Grilled Radicchio*:
makes 6-8 servings
total time 8 min

1 head of radicchio
1-2 T olive oil
3 T balsamic vinegar, reduced
coarse sea salt

Fire up the grill.  While the grill is warming up, reduce the vinegar.  I'm not even going to tell you how to do it.  Again.  We've been over this, people.

Cut the head of radicchio into 6 or 8 wedges, making sure to keep a little of the core intact on each wedge, otherwise it will fall apart.

Drizzle the wedges with olive oil and grill 3-4 min on each side.  Fan out on a plate and drizzle with balsamic reduction and sprinkle with sea salt.

  * adapted from a recipe by chef Don Dickman

A Massage with a Happy Ending You Can Be Proud Of

I've figured out what's wrong with the world:

Iceberg lettuce gets a bin at the salad bar while the super food kale is used as decoration.  It's backwards and sad just like the fact that Teresa from Real Housewives of NJ has, like, 17 horrible children and Bethenny only has 1.  Bethenny is so much better, and so is kale.

Kale packs more of a nutritional punch when it's raw, but trying to eat it just like lettuce is torture.  It's a bit much.  You've got to massage it a bit.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Massaged Kale Salad
makes 6 servings
total time 10 min


1 bunch kale, rinsed and patted dry with paper towels, stems removed
1 can chickpeas, rinsed
1 can red kidney beans, rinsed
1 can white kidney beans, rinsed
juice of 1 lemon
1 T red wine vinegar
1 T olive oil
12 black olives, pitted, chopped
1 handful oregano, chopped

After you've washed and dried the kale, tear it into really little pieces with you hands.  Next, light some candles, put on some soothing music and massage the pieces.  Crush the pieces - it's ok - kale likes it a little rough.

Put the pieces in a bowl and toss with the lemon juice and vinegar.  Let it sit while you drain and rinse the beans and chop the olives and oregano.

Combine everything and adjust the flavors if necessary.

Food Math

My #1 Rule:

If you eat well 90% of the time, you can eat like crap 10% of the time.

Or something like that, I don't know, I'm not a math genius.

You can also apply that theory to individual meals.  This salad is 90% good for you and 10% double cream brie.

If you drink a wine that is 10% alcohol, that means the other 90% is all antioxidants, right?  RIGHT??  Like I said.  I'm not a math genius.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Only Slightly Sinful Salad
total time 5 min


apples
brie
arugula


For the dressing:
dijon mustard
olive oil
honey

Slice an apple into bite sized pieces about 1/8" thick.  Place them on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.  Top the apples with a few very thin slices of brie

Put it in the oven and set the oven to broil.  Broil 2 minutes or until the cheese just gets soft (this will be quick)

Meanwhile, mix 1 part dijon with 2 parts olive oil and 1/2 part honey.  Math Genius says for example:
1T dijon
1T olive oil
1/2 T honey

Toss over the arugula and place the apples and cheese on top!  Viola!

Stop Buying That Shit!

If you spend about 15 minutes you can make your own go-anywhere snack bars that are chock-full of great vitamins and minerals and happy fats.


Where will you take them?  To the gym?  to the movies?  to your plastic surgery consultation to buy a better rack?  Like I said, they go anywhere!

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Energy Bars
makes 10 bars
total time 15 min


1 lb medjool dates, pits removed
1 handful dried berries
5 handfuls of nuts and seeds of your choice, I used:
walnuts
cashews
slivered almonds
pistachios
pumpkin seeds
dried cranderries
2 oz. dark chocolate

Make sure all the pits are removed from the dates and run them in a food processor.  This will take a few sessions as dates have a tendency to glob up.  If you don't have a food processor chop them up over and over and over until they form a big sticky blob.  It will take a while if you do it by hand.  Just keep going.

For larger nuts (hee hee), I've found it's better to run them in a food processor until they resemble coarse sand.  That's what I did for the cashews and walnuts (bottom left).  If you don't have a food processor, put them in a heavy duty plastic bag and smash them with a hammer.  Seriously.

Next, melt the chocolate by placing it in a heat proof bowl.  Place the bowl in a pot with a small amount of boiling water making sure not to let the water get into the bowl of chocolate.

Now mix all the nuts together in a big bowl.  Cut the blob of dates into 4 parts and place it in the bowl of nuts and seeds.  Use your hands to mush the nuts into the dates.  Add more nuts if it seems like there's enough sticky date surface area.  You know when you've reached Maximum Nut Capacity when they stop sticking.

Mash the whole mess out flat on a baking sheet lined with wax paper.  Now you can cut them into whatever shape you want.  Drizzle with the melted chocolate and refrigerate.  Once they're cool, store them in the fridge in an air tight container.

How to Win Friends & Influence People:

Grill fruit.

Seriously, that's all it takes.  Well, that and a nice rack.
 

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Grilled Apricot Hors d'oeuvre
makes about 20 pieces
total time 20 min

4 apricots, ripe, but not too ripe
fresh mozzarella
2 slices of red onion (don't separate the rings)
1 T olive oil
3 T balsamic vinegar, reduced
 salt, pepper
large basil leaves

Fire up the grill to med/high. Don't have a grill?  Use a frying pan - you just wont get the grill marks.

Slice the apricots and onion and toss in the olive oil, salt and pepper.  Set aside.

 

Reduce the vinegar over medium heat (about 4 min).

Grill the apricots and onions for about 3 minutes on each side, or until they get the pretty grill marks.  Remove from heat.

Cut the grilled onion into smaller pieces and separate the rings so that you have approximately 2 inch long pieces.

Place a piece of onion on the basil leaf, then a piece of fresh mozzarella, then the apricot, then drizzle with the balsamic reduction.