Stop Buying That Shit!

It takes less than 10 minutes to make a version of apple cinnamon oatmeal from scratch.  It tastes better, it's better for you and it sure as shit looks a lot better than that sad little brown packet of instant oats and dried up apple bits.  I mean really...does this guy look like he ever had an INSTANT version of anything in mind when he started his empire?  I highly doubt it.  His hair alone obviously takes hours.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Cinnamon Apple Pecan Oatmeal
makes 2 servings
total time 10 min

3/4 c milk (rice, soy, cow, almond whatever)
1/4 c quick cook STEEL CUT oats - not the rolled kind you're used to.
-----------------------
1/2 T butter (or coconut oil for the vegans)

1 apple cut into 1/2" cubes

1/2 t cinnamon

1 t maple syrup 

1 handful chopped pecans

Bring the milk to a simmer and add oats.  Cover and stir occasionally 8-9 min.

While the oats are cooking, heat the butter in a small skillet.  Add apples, cinnamon and syrup.  Let the mixture simmer until the oats are done.  Add the pecans just before serving so they don't burn.   You are amazing.

And We're Back

Today's Recipe:

Stupid Easy Weight Gain and Blog Sabotage Casserole

total time 2 months
serves nobody

Ingredients:

1 dad
2 tumors
65 lbs of terrible hospice literature
several servings of food from Florida chain restaurants
97 bottles of wine
2 bottles of gin
1 bottle of Advil 

Combine all ingredients and let fester until you feel awful.  Then travel around for several weeks avoiding all work and emails and blogging and shaving of armpits.

Boom, done.


Guess what...my dad died.  I've been out of town for what seems like years, living off different variations of shitty cheese food product and white flour.  I've gained weight.  I've cried a lot.  I feel grody and sad.

But today I'm home in my own kitchen with my own farmers' market and a desire to get back on track.  Buckle up, baby.

Tomorrow we cook.

It's Radicchulously Good

Yuk yuk yuk.  That was a terrible pun.  Please accept the following recipe with my sincerest apologies.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Grilled Radicchio*:
makes 6-8 servings
total time 8 min

1 head of radicchio
1-2 T olive oil
3 T balsamic vinegar, reduced
coarse sea salt

Fire up the grill.  While the grill is warming up, reduce the vinegar.  I'm not even going to tell you how to do it.  Again.  We've been over this, people.

Cut the head of radicchio into 6 or 8 wedges, making sure to keep a little of the core intact on each wedge, otherwise it will fall apart.

Drizzle the wedges with olive oil and grill 3-4 min on each side.  Fan out on a plate and drizzle with balsamic reduction and sprinkle with sea salt.

  * adapted from a recipe by chef Don Dickman

A Massage with a Happy Ending You Can Be Proud Of

I've figured out what's wrong with the world:

Iceberg lettuce gets a bin at the salad bar while the super food kale is used as decoration.  It's backwards and sad just like the fact that Teresa from Real Housewives of NJ has, like, 17 horrible children and Bethenny only has 1.  Bethenny is so much better, and so is kale.

Kale packs more of a nutritional punch when it's raw, but trying to eat it just like lettuce is torture.  It's a bit much.  You've got to massage it a bit.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Massaged Kale Salad
makes 6 servings
total time 10 min


1 bunch kale, rinsed and patted dry with paper towels, stems removed
1 can chickpeas, rinsed
1 can red kidney beans, rinsed
1 can white kidney beans, rinsed
juice of 1 lemon
1 T red wine vinegar
1 T olive oil
12 black olives, pitted, chopped
1 handful oregano, chopped

After you've washed and dried the kale, tear it into really little pieces with you hands.  Next, light some candles, put on some soothing music and massage the pieces.  Crush the pieces - it's ok - kale likes it a little rough.

Put the pieces in a bowl and toss with the lemon juice and vinegar.  Let it sit while you drain and rinse the beans and chop the olives and oregano.

Combine everything and adjust the flavors if necessary.

Food Math

My #1 Rule:

If you eat well 90% of the time, you can eat like crap 10% of the time.

Or something like that, I don't know, I'm not a math genius.

You can also apply that theory to individual meals.  This salad is 90% good for you and 10% double cream brie.

If you drink a wine that is 10% alcohol, that means the other 90% is all antioxidants, right?  RIGHT??  Like I said.  I'm not a math genius.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Only Slightly Sinful Salad
total time 5 min


apples
brie
arugula


For the dressing:
dijon mustard
olive oil
honey

Slice an apple into bite sized pieces about 1/8" thick.  Place them on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper.  Top the apples with a few very thin slices of brie

Put it in the oven and set the oven to broil.  Broil 2 minutes or until the cheese just gets soft (this will be quick)

Meanwhile, mix 1 part dijon with 2 parts olive oil and 1/2 part honey.  Math Genius says for example:
1T dijon
1T olive oil
1/2 T honey

Toss over the arugula and place the apples and cheese on top!  Viola!

Stop Buying That Shit!

If you spend about 15 minutes you can make your own go-anywhere snack bars that are chock-full of great vitamins and minerals and happy fats.


Where will you take them?  To the gym?  to the movies?  to your plastic surgery consultation to buy a better rack?  Like I said, they go anywhere!

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Energy Bars
makes 10 bars
total time 15 min


1 lb medjool dates, pits removed
1 handful dried berries
5 handfuls of nuts and seeds of your choice, I used:
walnuts
cashews
slivered almonds
pistachios
pumpkin seeds
dried cranderries
2 oz. dark chocolate

Make sure all the pits are removed from the dates and run them in a food processor.  This will take a few sessions as dates have a tendency to glob up.  If you don't have a food processor chop them up over and over and over until they form a big sticky blob.  It will take a while if you do it by hand.  Just keep going.

For larger nuts (hee hee), I've found it's better to run them in a food processor until they resemble coarse sand.  That's what I did for the cashews and walnuts (bottom left).  If you don't have a food processor, put them in a heavy duty plastic bag and smash them with a hammer.  Seriously.

Next, melt the chocolate by placing it in a heat proof bowl.  Place the bowl in a pot with a small amount of boiling water making sure not to let the water get into the bowl of chocolate.

Now mix all the nuts together in a big bowl.  Cut the blob of dates into 4 parts and place it in the bowl of nuts and seeds.  Use your hands to mush the nuts into the dates.  Add more nuts if it seems like there's enough sticky date surface area.  You know when you've reached Maximum Nut Capacity when they stop sticking.

Mash the whole mess out flat on a baking sheet lined with wax paper.  Now you can cut them into whatever shape you want.  Drizzle with the melted chocolate and refrigerate.  Once they're cool, store them in the fridge in an air tight container.

How to Win Friends & Influence People:

Grill fruit.

Seriously, that's all it takes.  Well, that and a nice rack.
 

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Grilled Apricot Hors d'oeuvre
makes about 20 pieces
total time 20 min

4 apricots, ripe, but not too ripe
fresh mozzarella
2 slices of red onion (don't separate the rings)
1 T olive oil
3 T balsamic vinegar, reduced
 salt, pepper
large basil leaves

Fire up the grill to med/high. Don't have a grill?  Use a frying pan - you just wont get the grill marks.

Slice the apricots and onion and toss in the olive oil, salt and pepper.  Set aside.

 

Reduce the vinegar over medium heat (about 4 min).

Grill the apricots and onions for about 3 minutes on each side, or until they get the pretty grill marks.  Remove from heat.

Cut the grilled onion into smaller pieces and separate the rings so that you have approximately 2 inch long pieces.

Place a piece of onion on the basil leaf, then a piece of fresh mozzarella, then the apricot, then drizzle with the balsamic reduction.

 

Oh Snap!

Spring has sprung in a big way here in LA LA land.  April showers (and, well, April) are over.  Birds are singing, sun is shining and the farmers' markets are exploding with sugar snap peas.  Additionally, sangria is flowing, horrible chain restaurants are overflowing with prom dates and Real Housewives of New Jersey starts in just two short weeks.  All is right with the world.

OK let's do this:

Stupid Easy Sugar Snap Pea Salad
total time 10 min
makes 4-6 servings

For the sauce:
1 t safflower oil
1/2 sweet onion, diced
1 T ginger, minced
2/3 c coconut milk
medium bunch of cilantro, stems and leaves roughly chopped
1 or 2 t green curry paste
zest and juice from 1 lime
salt, to taste
---------------------------------
1 cup sweet corn kernels 
1 red bell pepper, chopped
1 lb sugar snap peas, blanched for 1 min

Heat oil in a large sauce pan over medium heat.  Brown the onions, then add the rest of the sauce ingredients.  Simmer for 2 minutes, then remove from heat.

Blanch the sugar snap peas (boil for 1 minute, then run under cool water).

Once the sauce has cooled for a few minutes, puree it in your little food processor.

Add the sauce back to the pan over med heat.  Add the corn and pepper and simmer until the peppers are tender (about 3 minutes).

Meanwhile, slice the peas on a diagonal and stir in to the sauce.  Serve warm or cold.

Spring Break!

Hi darlings!  It's Spring Break time, and guess where I'm headed......here's a clue:

TOTALLY not me.  My bikini was black.

That's right.  Florida.

I'm going to see my dad, Jerry.  When he's not too busy kicking cancer's ass, he works in his amazing garden.  I'll post some recipes straight from the garden next week.  In the meantime, here's a recipe from my dad:

Worth the Garlic Breath

Just made up a really delicious mock Caesar salad.  Why "mock"?  Because I left out the anchovies.  Why leave out the anchovies?  Because hairy, greasy fish just ain't my thang.

OK, let's do this:

Fishless Caesar
total time 5 min


for the dressing:
1/4 c mayo
2 t mustard
3 cloves garlic, minced
juice from 1 lemon
1 t soy sauce
cracked black pepper
---------------------------
Romaine lettuce, chopped
these croutons
handful of parmesan cheese, shredded

Combine the dressing ingredients and toss over lettuce and croutons.  Sprinkle with cheese.  (Were these instructions necessary?.....)

I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours.

Put your underwear back on, weird-o.

I went downstairs to the farmers' market today.  Is there a farmers' market where you live?  What do you buy?

Send pictures to CookStupidEasy@gmail.com - tell me where you're from and what's in season where you are!

Fresh mint, oregano, basil, thai broccoli, thai basil, zucchini, straw flowers and carnations

Weekend Calorie Splurge: Blueberry Muffins

These are SO. GOOD.

I did the math.  It breaks down to 1 T sugar per muffin.  Not exactly healthy, but much better than other muffin recipes.  Besides, these muffins are for the weekend.  Health takes a break on the weekend in our house.  Wine consumption, however, never sleeps.

OK, let's do this:

Blueberry Muffins
adapted from Smitten Kitchen
makes 12 muffin
total time 35 min


5 T unsalted butter , softened
2/3 c sugar
1 large egg
3/4 c full fat plain yogurt
1 T lemon zest
----------------------------------
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 c blueberries, fresh or frozen (if frozen, simply rinse off any ice)

Preheat oven to 375ºF.  Line a muffin tin with 12 paper liners.

Combine butter and sugar in your little food processor and run until fluffy.  Add egg, then yogurt and lemon.  Transfer to a mixing bowl.

Combine dry ingredients with a sifter or whisk.  Slowly mix dry ingredients into wet ingredients.

 Fill muffin tins 3/4 of the way.  Bake for 25 min.  Enjoy with butter and coffee.

How to Keep Your Car Seats Looking Great

It's approximately 147ºF here in LA.  All I'm craving is sangria and cold, hearty salads.

I was going to do an orzo salad, but realized I didn't have any orzo and couldn't imagine getting back in the car.  Let's just work with what we have so I don't leave crotch-sweat stains on the upholstery of my car.

OK, let's do this:

Mediterranean Quinoa Salad
makes about 5 cups
total time 20 min

1 cup quinoa, rinsed thoroughly
1 3/4 c water
--------------------------
for the dressing:
3 T olive oil
2 T red wine vinegar
zest and juice of 1 lemon
2 cloves garlic (I used Gerraro's Marinated Greek Garlic)
1/2 small red onion, diced small
salt & pepper, to taste
--------------------------
2 handfuls fresh parsley, chopped roughly
1 handful fresh oregano, chopped roughly 
1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup artichoke hearts
1/2 cup roasted bell pepper, chopped
1/2 cup black olives, pitted & chopped
1/2 cup feta, crumbled (optional)

Boil the water, add quinoa, reduce heat and simmer about 10 min.  Once it's done, place it in a bowl and put it in the freezer while you prep the other stuff.  Stir it a couple times in the freezer to help it cool faster.

Combine the dressing ingredients (you can just do this in the same bowl you're serving it in).  Add the cooled quinoa and stir in the remaining ingredients.

Mango Salsa

It's really hard to come up with anything funny to say about mangoes.  Chris Kattan tried and look what happened:

 

Nobody likes you, Chris Kattan.  You either, J. Lo.

But Mango Salaso...That we like.  A lot.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Mango Salsa
makes 3 cups
total time 5 min

2 ripe mangoes, peeled, cubed
1/2 serrano chili, minced
juice of 1 lime
handful cilantro, chopped
1/2 small red onion, diced small
salt, pepper, to taste

Combine all ingredients.  Serve with tortilla chips and margaritas, and without Chris Kattan.

Gee Your Pee Smells Terrific!

Asparagus is one of my favorite veggies in the whole world.  It only takes a few minutes to make.  Plus it makes your pee smell which can be a great party trick or conversation starter.

OK, let's do this:

Poached eggs over asparagus
total time 10 min

1 t white vinegar
1 T olive oil
1 handful asparagus, woody ends trimmed
salt, to taste
bread for toast
1 egg
1 T parmesan cheese, shredded

Bring a pot of water plus 1 teaspoon of plain vinegar to a boil.

Heat the oil in a pan and add asparagus.  Cook, stirring frequently, until tender (about 4 min).  Add salt to taste.

While asparagus is cooking, make toast and poach the egg.

To poach an egg, simply turn the heat on the water down so that it's still boiling, but not a big, crazy rolling boil.  Crack an egg into a ladle.  Stir the water with a spoon so it spins around like a toilet flushing.   Drop in the egg while the water is spinning.  Now leave it alone.  Cook for 3-4 min.

Remove the egg with a slotted spoon and place on top of the asparagus.  Sprinkle with a little shredded parmesan or asiago cheese and serve with toast.

I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours.

Put your underwear back on, weird-o.

I went downstairs to the farmers' market today.  Is there a farmers' market where you live?  What do you buy?

Send pictures to CookStupidEasy@gmail.com - tell me where you're from and what's in season where you are!

Onions, romaine, asparagus, Thai broccoli, LOTS of cabbage, garlic, lemons, daisies and fresia for the bathroom.

Weekend Calorie Splurge: If Brownies and Cheesecake had a Baby....

I'd happily be serving 25 years for kidnapping.

OK, let's do this:

Cheesecake Brownies
makes 16 brownies
prep time 15 min, bake time 45 min

For the brownie part:
1/2 c (1 stick) butter, cut into small pieces
12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1/2 t vanilla
2/3 c all purpose flour
pinch of salt 

-----------------------

For the cheesecake part:
8 oz cream cheese
1/3 c sugar
1 large egg yolk
1/2 t vanilla

Place the cream cheese in a small oven proof container.  Put it in a cold oven and turn the oven to 325ºF.  The cream cheese will gently soften as the oven preheats.

Melt the chocolate and butter in a double boiler, stirring frequently.  Once it's smooth, remove from the heat and stir in the sugar, eggs, vanilla, salt and then the flour.  Pour into a greased 8"X8" baking pan.

Next, mix the softened cream cheese with the remaining ingredients.  Pour the cheesecake mixture over the brownie mixture.  Drag a chopstick back and forth across the whole mess until you get a nice marbled look.

 

Bake for 45-50 min, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Manicotti...kind of....

This is a great entree idea for that pain-in-the ass friend we all have who's suddenly decided she can't eat gluten.  You know, the one who sometimes reeks of gin and cigarettes and shame...yeah - your big problem is gluten, sweetie...

Eh, well...you know what they say about gin glass houses....

OK, let's do this:

Easier Than It Looks Gluten Free Manicotti
makes 6 servings
prep time 20 min, bake time 35 min

Filling:
1 T olive oil
1/2 red onion, diced
3 handfuls spinach
2 cloves garlic, minced
-----------------
8 oz container ricotta
1 cup shredded parmesan, plus extra for sprinkling
1 t dried oregano
1/4 t salt
1 egg
-----------------
Instead of noodles:
2 large zucchinis sliced very thinly on your  little hand slicer
-----------------
marinara sauce, jarred or homemade
fresh basil for garnish

Preheat the oven to 375ºF

Heat the oil in a pan over medium heat and cook the spinach and garlic for about 3 minutes, stirring frequently.  Allow it to cool for a couple minutes and combine it with the second group of ingredients.

 For the zucchini, it helps to have a sushi mat, but it's not essential.  You can get sushi mats at Whole Foods or Asian markets.  You can also just use a place mat covered with parchment or wax paper .

Arrange the zucchini slices so they overlap and form a rectangle.  Double up to cover any weak spots :

 

Add about 1/2 cup of the filling in a horizontal line across the bottom of the zucchini.

Carefully roll the whole thing up:

 

Pour about a cup of marinara sauce in the bottom of the baking dish. Arrange the rolls and bake uncovered for 30 minutes.  Top with a little sauce and shredded parmesan and crank the oven up to broil for 5-10 minutes, or until cheese is a melted and golden.  Garnish with chopped basil.  Or gin.

Dink dink da dink dink dink. Dink dink da dink dink dink. Dink dink da dink dink dink diiiiink!

That was me playing "Chopsticks!"  Speaking of chopsticks - here's how to make a huge batch of stir-fry stuff that you can save for many, many meals.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Stir-fry for Days
makes a buttload
prep time 10 min, cook time 5 min

You will need one super-huge or two pretty big dishes to hold all the veggies you cut up.  I used a huge salad bowl and a large baking dish.  Whatever works.

For the sauce:

1/2 c low sodium soy sauce
2 T sesame oil
2 T rice vinegar
1 T minced garlic
1 T minced ginger
crushed red pepper to taste

For the veggies, you can use just about anything you've ever seen in a stir-fry cut into bite sized pieces.  I used:

1 pineapple (I would DEFINITELY use pineapple)
3 handfuls broccoli
1 red onion
2 handfuls mushrooms
2 carrots
1 red bell pepper
1 small green cabbage

I also added baked tofu


Combine all the sauce ingredients and stir to combine.
Cut everything into bite sized pieces and pour the sauce over it.  Toss with your hands to make sure everything gets coated.  That's why I used two dishes.  I transferred the veg from one bowl to the other to mix it.

At this point you can put it into containers and save it for later in the fridge or freezer.  If you're ready to eat now, use a wok or large frying pan over high-ish heat, stirring frequently for about 5 min, or until veggies are tender.  Serve with brown rice or quinoa.

You say "Tomato," I say "Shut up and eat"

After 11 grueling days of winter, I'm finally starting to see really beautiful tomatoes at my little farmers' market.  You know what that means?...... It's caprese time, bitches!

OK, let's do this:

Mozzarealla Caprese
total time 5 min


really good tomatoes, sliced
really good fresh mozzarella, sliced and then torn into bite size pieces
roasted bell peppers (from a jar is fine), cut into bite sized pieces
basil, chopped
olive oil for drizzling
3-4 T balsamic vinegar
salt & pepper

Heat the balsamic in a pan over low heat until it steams - allow to reduce for a few minutes and remove from heat.

Meanwhile, arrange the cheese, tomatoes, peppers and basil in alternating layers.  Drizzle with the olive oil and vinegar reduction.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper.  Sit back and enjoy the fact that you finally found a use for that weirdly shaped plate you registered for.