How to Keep Your Car Seats Looking Great

It's approximately 147ºF here in LA.  All I'm craving is sangria and cold, hearty salads.

I was going to do an orzo salad, but realized I didn't have any orzo and couldn't imagine getting back in the car.  Let's just work with what we have so I don't leave crotch-sweat stains on the upholstery of my car.

OK, let's do this:

Mediterranean Quinoa Salad
makes about 5 cups
total time 20 min

1 cup quinoa, rinsed thoroughly
1 3/4 c water
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for the dressing:
3 T olive oil
2 T red wine vinegar
zest and juice of 1 lemon
2 cloves garlic (I used Gerraro's Marinated Greek Garlic)
1/2 small red onion, diced small
salt & pepper, to taste
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2 handfuls fresh parsley, chopped roughly
1 handful fresh oregano, chopped roughly 
1 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup artichoke hearts
1/2 cup roasted bell pepper, chopped
1/2 cup black olives, pitted & chopped
1/2 cup feta, crumbled (optional)

Boil the water, add quinoa, reduce heat and simmer about 10 min.  Once it's done, place it in a bowl and put it in the freezer while you prep the other stuff.  Stir it a couple times in the freezer to help it cool faster.

Combine the dressing ingredients (you can just do this in the same bowl you're serving it in).  Add the cooled quinoa and stir in the remaining ingredients.

Mango Salsa

It's really hard to come up with anything funny to say about mangoes.  Chris Kattan tried and look what happened:

 

Nobody likes you, Chris Kattan.  You either, J. Lo.

But Mango Salaso...That we like.  A lot.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Mango Salsa
makes 3 cups
total time 5 min

2 ripe mangoes, peeled, cubed
1/2 serrano chili, minced
juice of 1 lime
handful cilantro, chopped
1/2 small red onion, diced small
salt, pepper, to taste

Combine all ingredients.  Serve with tortilla chips and margaritas, and without Chris Kattan.

Gee Your Pee Smells Terrific!

Asparagus is one of my favorite veggies in the whole world.  It only takes a few minutes to make.  Plus it makes your pee smell which can be a great party trick or conversation starter.

OK, let's do this:

Poached eggs over asparagus
total time 10 min

1 t white vinegar
1 T olive oil
1 handful asparagus, woody ends trimmed
salt, to taste
bread for toast
1 egg
1 T parmesan cheese, shredded

Bring a pot of water plus 1 teaspoon of plain vinegar to a boil.

Heat the oil in a pan and add asparagus.  Cook, stirring frequently, until tender (about 4 min).  Add salt to taste.

While asparagus is cooking, make toast and poach the egg.

To poach an egg, simply turn the heat on the water down so that it's still boiling, but not a big, crazy rolling boil.  Crack an egg into a ladle.  Stir the water with a spoon so it spins around like a toilet flushing.   Drop in the egg while the water is spinning.  Now leave it alone.  Cook for 3-4 min.

Remove the egg with a slotted spoon and place on top of the asparagus.  Sprinkle with a little shredded parmesan or asiago cheese and serve with toast.

I'll Show You Mine if You Show Me Yours.

Put your underwear back on, weird-o.

I went downstairs to the farmers' market today.  Is there a farmers' market where you live?  What do you buy?

Send pictures to CookStupidEasy@gmail.com - tell me where you're from and what's in season where you are!

Onions, romaine, asparagus, Thai broccoli, LOTS of cabbage, garlic, lemons, daisies and fresia for the bathroom.

Weekend Calorie Splurge: If Brownies and Cheesecake had a Baby....

I'd happily be serving 25 years for kidnapping.

OK, let's do this:

Cheesecake Brownies
makes 16 brownies
prep time 15 min, bake time 45 min

For the brownie part:
1/2 c (1 stick) butter, cut into small pieces
12 oz. semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/2 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1/2 t vanilla
2/3 c all purpose flour
pinch of salt 

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For the cheesecake part:
8 oz cream cheese
1/3 c sugar
1 large egg yolk
1/2 t vanilla

Place the cream cheese in a small oven proof container.  Put it in a cold oven and turn the oven to 325ºF.  The cream cheese will gently soften as the oven preheats.

Melt the chocolate and butter in a double boiler, stirring frequently.  Once it's smooth, remove from the heat and stir in the sugar, eggs, vanilla, salt and then the flour.  Pour into a greased 8"X8" baking pan.

Next, mix the softened cream cheese with the remaining ingredients.  Pour the cheesecake mixture over the brownie mixture.  Drag a chopstick back and forth across the whole mess until you get a nice marbled look.

 

Bake for 45-50 min, or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Manicotti...kind of....

This is a great entree idea for that pain-in-the ass friend we all have who's suddenly decided she can't eat gluten.  You know, the one who sometimes reeks of gin and cigarettes and shame...yeah - your big problem is gluten, sweetie...

Eh, well...you know what they say about gin glass houses....

OK, let's do this:

Easier Than It Looks Gluten Free Manicotti
makes 6 servings
prep time 20 min, bake time 35 min

Filling:
1 T olive oil
1/2 red onion, diced
3 handfuls spinach
2 cloves garlic, minced
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8 oz container ricotta
1 cup shredded parmesan, plus extra for sprinkling
1 t dried oregano
1/4 t salt
1 egg
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Instead of noodles:
2 large zucchinis sliced very thinly on your  little hand slicer
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marinara sauce, jarred or homemade
fresh basil for garnish

Preheat the oven to 375ºF

Heat the oil in a pan over medium heat and cook the spinach and garlic for about 3 minutes, stirring frequently.  Allow it to cool for a couple minutes and combine it with the second group of ingredients.

 For the zucchini, it helps to have a sushi mat, but it's not essential.  You can get sushi mats at Whole Foods or Asian markets.  You can also just use a place mat covered with parchment or wax paper .

Arrange the zucchini slices so they overlap and form a rectangle.  Double up to cover any weak spots :

 

Add about 1/2 cup of the filling in a horizontal line across the bottom of the zucchini.

Carefully roll the whole thing up:

 

Pour about a cup of marinara sauce in the bottom of the baking dish. Arrange the rolls and bake uncovered for 30 minutes.  Top with a little sauce and shredded parmesan and crank the oven up to broil for 5-10 minutes, or until cheese is a melted and golden.  Garnish with chopped basil.  Or gin.

Dink dink da dink dink dink. Dink dink da dink dink dink. Dink dink da dink dink dink diiiiink!

That was me playing "Chopsticks!"  Speaking of chopsticks - here's how to make a huge batch of stir-fry stuff that you can save for many, many meals.

OK, let's do this:

Stupid Easy Stir-fry for Days
makes a buttload
prep time 10 min, cook time 5 min

You will need one super-huge or two pretty big dishes to hold all the veggies you cut up.  I used a huge salad bowl and a large baking dish.  Whatever works.

For the sauce:

1/2 c low sodium soy sauce
2 T sesame oil
2 T rice vinegar
1 T minced garlic
1 T minced ginger
crushed red pepper to taste

For the veggies, you can use just about anything you've ever seen in a stir-fry cut into bite sized pieces.  I used:

1 pineapple (I would DEFINITELY use pineapple)
3 handfuls broccoli
1 red onion
2 handfuls mushrooms
2 carrots
1 red bell pepper
1 small green cabbage

I also added baked tofu


Combine all the sauce ingredients and stir to combine.
Cut everything into bite sized pieces and pour the sauce over it.  Toss with your hands to make sure everything gets coated.  That's why I used two dishes.  I transferred the veg from one bowl to the other to mix it.

At this point you can put it into containers and save it for later in the fridge or freezer.  If you're ready to eat now, use a wok or large frying pan over high-ish heat, stirring frequently for about 5 min, or until veggies are tender.  Serve with brown rice or quinoa.